Steps Toward Success for Stepparents

Four out of ten marriages in America is a remarriage for at least one of the partners.  Many of these marriages will embrace the responsibility of step parenting. That is, the husband or wife will be a non-biological parent to the other partner’s child.  An estimated 15-20 million stepfamilies existed in 1998 with a projection that one third of all U.S. children will live in a stepfamily before age 18.    

 Forming a stepfamily can be compared to white-water rafting.  There are periods of calm on the journey but also some very bumpy spots that can become life-threatening to the new family. Typical rocky rapids include:  Stepchildren becoming more oppositional and even rejecting  the stepparent after the wedding;  children grieving the loss of their original family and being caught in loyalty conflicts between parent and stepparents;  discomfort adjusting to new ways of doing everything in the new family;  complicated holiday schedules with relatives;  unclear roles, rules and responsibilities in the new family;  conflict with ex-spouses especially over parenting and visitation schedules;  little time to for the couple to nurture their marriage relationship and few cultural supports for stepfamilies. An experienced guide, good safety equipment and  a plan for paddling together as a team are all essential if stepfamilies want to successfully navigate around the rocks and keep everyone in the stepfamily boat.

 First, find an experienced guide.  You are not alone.  Talk with experienced stepparents and learn from their successes and failures.  Attend a parenting course or step-parenting group.  Read books (such as New Faces in the Frame by Dick Dunn) and check website articles about stepfamilies (see box above).   If the waters are really rough, find a trained therapist who works with stepfamilies.  Most importantly make God central by seeking the guidance of the Holy Spirit through regular prayer, Sacraments and study as you commit yourself to spiritual growth and renewal.   

 Second, invest in the proper safety equipment.   Overly romantic couples are in most danger of capsizing.  They often expect “instant family” believing  “I love my new partner, so of course he/she will love my children” or “ the children will be so happy to have a new family.”  Even if children show some hesitation or disagreement these couples are sure that within a short time “love will conquer all.”  Successful couples have no fewer problems but cope better because they have prepared for them, have more realistic expectations and are more patient in allowing everyone in the new family time and space to grow. 

 All family members have a need to belong;  a need to be loved, appreciated and securely attached to a few special people and a need for personal autonomy and control of one’s life.  All three are usually threatened by the three “Ls” of forming a stepfamily -- loss,  loyalty and lack of control.   Some recommended safety equipment includes:

(1) A “map” of realistic expectations.  Expect that the first two years will have significant adjustment stresses.  Remarriage is usually easiest when the children are young and most difficult with ages 10-14 when children are developing more independence from family and may not necessarily want the active parenting an eager stepparent may want to provide.  Thoroughly discuss parenting expectations and issues before marriage.

(2) A new home (“boat”) for the new family.  Couples report this makes for an easier establishment of “our home” than when trying to live in one of the partner’s prior residences with all its memories.  

(3) A priority on building the couple relationship.  The family foundation is the couple’s covenant relationship.  The couple can become so busy with parenting that the marriage is not nurtured.  Do not take children on the honeymoon and continue to schedule "couple" times to enjoy each other with no discussion of problems or parenting once the honeymoon is over. 

(4) Rituals.  Families and individuals need predictability.  Rituals - repetitive and patterned behavior - help.  Successful stepfamilies have regular meals and prayer together,  develop rituals that help ease the transition when children shift between one parent’s house to the other’s,  and work to develop new and flexible ways to celebrate birthdays and holidays so children aren’t caught in the middle between battling bio-parents.

(5) Faith and forgiveness.   Seek God’s grace and guidance when considering marriage and in the responsibilities of parenting.  Couples that share faith, prayer and worship together deepen their loving bond and commitment.   Grieving the loss of a previous marriage that ended through death or divorce requires forgiving: letting go of past hurts and disappointments, exonerating a previous spouse from blame and taking responsibility for one’s own failures.  Only then will a new marriage have a chance to succeed.   The hurts, misunderstandings, loyalty conflicts, angers and resentments that accompany stepfamily life need the healing medicine of prayer and forgiveness.  Regularly receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation or seek the spiritual counsel of a priest to heal and strengthen your spirit. 

 Third, develop a plan that includes clear roles, rules, responsibility and respect for each stepfamily member.   When these are not clearly spelled out and understood, stepfamilies struggle with confusion, ambiguity and mounting frustration. 

(1) The couple needs to develop a limited set of house rules taking into consideration the ages, needs and viewpoints of the children.   These rules are discussed, responsibilities are clarified and then the rules are clearly posted (“We agree to respect each family member.”  “Every family member agrees to clean up after him or herself.”)  Periodically, they are evaluated and changed as the family grows.

(2)  Discipline is initially handled by the biological parent.  The stepparent backs up the biological parents and develops a relationship with stepchildren that  is more akin to a camp counselor rather than a parent or disciplinarian.   Enforcing agreed upon family rules makes this easier.

(3) Family meetings are held regularly to celebrate achievements, to tackle one problem at a time and to have fun together.  In addition, scheduling one-on-one times between stepparents & children and parents and children will help relationships grow.   Key to this is for parents/stepparents to take an interest in those things their (step)children enjoy.   Allow stepchildren to take the lead in what name they will call stepparents.  They should not be forced to call them “mom” or “dad.” 

(4) Parents and stepparents must do their best to cooperate in parenting.  Things can get complicated, especially after a divorce when both parents remarry.  There are ex-spouses but they are never ex-parents.  When people don’t get along, the child feels sandwiched in the middle, hearing criticism of the other parent as attacks on him, because he is half that parent.  Stepchildren may also feel conflicted loyalties not wanting to betray a parent by liking a stepparent.  They may actively reject the stepparent.   Adults in successful stepfamilies assure children that they are loved and do not compete for the child’s loyalty.  They assure children that they are not the cause of a divorce.  They resist the cultural norm to badmouth or not communicate with their ex. 

(5) Live the Gospel.   Putting into practice Jesus’ commands to love, forgive, pray for persecutors and serve each other will give stepfamilies the power to build a loving Christian family.   Individually praying for each other daily and developing ways to pray together as a family are powerful ways to soften hearts, develop humble caring attitudes and acquire the necessary wisdom all families need.  

Stepfamilies will face challenges as they grow. Love, patience and time (2-4 years at a minimum) will be required to stabilize the new family.  Couples who see their stepfamilies as different – not deficient – when compared to nuclear families;  who develop realistic, flexible expectations and who patiently follow a plan to grow as a family have a strong chance to succeed.  They will discover themselves to be a holy family because of God’s grace working in their midst.  

 (Bill Boomer is Director for the Dept. for Marriage & Family Ministry and is interested in hearing the experiences and wisdom of stepfamilies and those ministering to them.)